


I'm Going Slightly Mad

by Bettername



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 02:35:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1288060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bettername/pseuds/Bettername
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All you want to do is go to sleep and not hear him pant and moan, or wake up and not find him in naked in your apartment or at your college. </p><p>Your name is John Egbert and you've got a problem. You overheard Equius Zahhak having sex and now you can't get him out of your head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Going Slightly Mad

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from _I'm Going Slightly Mad_ by Queen

You sit on the curb along a deserted street. You’re hunched over with your forearms resting on the tops of your bent knees. A lit cigarette dangles between your fingertips. You watch it burn down to the filter. A stream of smoke turns into a wisp before it dies out. You drop the remains of the burned out soldier onto a pile of his former comrades accumulating by your sneaker. You reach for your battered pack, just one more cigarette remains. You light it as you watch the street lights flicker off and on. You’re in your early twenties, at the tail end of your college years, but you feel ancient. It’s not the years but the mileage you muse. Your entire body aches. It’s a full on revolt, the result of your continual strain against your limits. Your lungs burn from chain smoking over the past few hours. The weeks of nonstop nightly drinking has greatly increased your tolerance. The buzz that you worked so hard to get is wearing off and you feel yourself dangerously close to becoming sober. At this point it turns into a waiting game. You can’t run any longer. The time to face that demon is drawing near.

It all started three weeks ago. Your work study program had long since ended along with the spring semester; however you continued to travel to and from college to assist your professor with archiving the Performing Arts and Motion Picture department’s extensive film collection. Playing with nearly every movie made over the last hundred years, best job ever. One night you left Moser Hall a little after seven and hopped on your bike only to discover that the front tire was flat. You had several options at your disposal. The first option, you could have walked back to your minuscule apartment, which was by no means a short jaunt and get your tire fixed the next day. The second option, you could have drug your wounded bike to Dave’s apartment and begged for his brother Dirk to aid you in your time of need. Or option three, you could have dropped by Equius’ workshop which was the nearest location. You could not bring yourself to bother the troll for … reasons and there was no way in hell that you were going to drag your bike all the way back to your apartment. So instead you pestered Dave and hoped that he could convince his brother to help a bro out. Dave replied with a ‘he’s not here go look for him at Zahhak’s workshop’. Your decision was made for you so you set off to the garage space that Equius rented with Horuss.

You attempted to make yourself presentable before knocking on the door. No one would want to open the door and find a winded idiot gasping for breaths who just drug/carried his bike ten blocks. You sorted yourself out and went to knock on the door. You paused when you heard two male voices coming from inside the garage. They stopped talking. You heard what seemed to be a struggle, and as quick as the noises started they ceased. You peered into the small window in the door and could only see the legs of one man stretched out on the floor. The second was standing over him with his back turned towards the window. He lingered momentarily over the body before he took off his shirt. The muscles under his grey skin rippled as he threw the shirt onto a workbench. You saw the troll reach for his belt. Maybe he had a knife or a tool stashed there to finish the human off. Equius wouldn’t have needed a weapon; his well-trained body was a weapon. You heard a click and saw him slowly remove his belt. Was he going to strangle the man? Why wouldn’t he just use his hands? You grew increasingly confused as the troll let the belt slip through his fingers and fall to the floor. You saw the human get up off of the floor and stroll over to Equius. The troll slipped his hands over his waistband. Your world collapsed as Equius’s pants hit the floor.

You whipped away from the door and forced yourself against the side of the building, hiding yourself in the darkened alleyway. You heard a thud against the wall. The thud was followed by a few murmured words, a laugh, and a sound that your mind could not develop a convincing lie for. A moment later you heard a few more thuds against the wall and then the moaning started. As you sat there in a quiet panic the truth came to you. Equius Zahhak, the troll that you saw wreak a fighting robot that he built himself a few days ago, was having sex just inches away from you. And it wasn’t that he was having sex just inches away from you, but that Equius, one of the first trolls that you ever met and befriended an equal to yourself in sheer mangrit, was moaning because another man was fucking him, hard. 

You sat there frozen, unable to move. You wanted to get the hell away from there. But at the same time you knew that you couldn’t leave your bike in front of the garage. You had been lucky so far. Moving your bike would make noise and if you made noise and they heard it then you would be a dead man. You made your best impression of a statue for what seemed to be ages. Eventually the noises stopped and the lights were turned out. You waited a few more minutes just to be cautious before grabbing your bike and sprinting off down the road.  
That night you slept a few hours due to exhaustion but the night after would not prove so willing to let you have peace. You laid in bed and before you could drift off into sleep’s gentle embrace it started to worm its way into your tired mind. They started off softly, a few pants spaced apart. Haggard breathing gave way to moaning, quiet at first and then building to a crescendo. Equius yelled as he came. You spent the remainder of the night staring at the light fixture on your ceiling. The second of your sleepless nights passed as your first and so did your third. 

On the fourth night of the moaning creeping into your mind and sabotaging your dreams, you decided to replace that dream with another. You chuckled to yourself as you plopped down on your bed with your laptop, a bottle of lube on one side to cut down on the friction and a box of tissues on another. You logged onto your website of choice and scrolled till you found your favorite star. Miko-chan and her perfect set of tits could fix any problem you had. No girlfriend, girlfriend withholding sex to prove a point, long day at school, she could melt any stress away as soon as she started to melt. You hit the play button. Miko started to work her magic and you waited to start yours. Nothing happened. Five minutes, ten minutes, after fifteen minutes Miko was done before you even started. You didn’t let it bother you. If Miko couldn’t do it alone then maybe she just needed to bring along a few of her friends. You scrolled down to another video and Miko and her two closest friends had a romp. It had no effect on your little buddy. One masturbation flick and one lesbian threesome did as much for you as did the documentary on Watergate you were forced to sit through in US History class. 

It was time for the heavy artillery. You dug through the seedy underbelly of the website and after a few minutes of searching you found it. The uncensored fuck fest extraordinaire Dave’s older brother, the creepy one, had suggested to you as a joke. Bro told you the gist of the movie just to get a reaction out of you. You hadn’t looked up the video this time just to satisfy a curiosity. You needed some freaky shit to get yourself out of your slump. You clicked play and watched the debauchery. A female troll and a human chick knelt down in front of a male troll and started to give his bulge a tongue bath. You felt your excitement growing as the two tongues swirled down the long tapered teal shaft. Greenish blue pre-come oozed down the length and joined the girl’s saliva. You were fully erect.

“See there isn’t a problem,” you whispered to yourself as you worked your hand around your cock. You matched your moans with the moans of the troll on the screen. He uttered a grunt as he came. The camera panned back. Equius looked at you from inside the laptop screen.

“Did you enjoy yourself as much as I did sir?”

“Equius? Shit. Shit, shit shit,” you sputtered. You couldn’t shut the lid of your laptop fast enough. Little did you know how much you had worsened your predicament.  
The next morning you woke to a strange sound. You looked over to the side of your bed and there he was. Equius was reclining on top of the sheets, slouched against the headboard, completely naked and jerking off. You laid there for a moment unsure of what was really going on. The shock of what you were witnessing just hadn’t registered in your brain. It simply couldn’t handle it. The Equius beside you was not the troll that you had known for the past three years of college. He wasn’t the highly polished and refined troll you saw from day to day, no he was, this Equius was … dirtier. His sleek black hair that was usually brushed back into a pony tail was loose and disheveled; the long strands were draped over his shoulders. Beads of sweat trickled down his skin. He wasn’t wearing his sunglasses. Equius moistened his cracked lips with the tip of his tongue. His mouth parted slightly as his breathing grew heavier. Equius looked down at you and smiled.

“If you keep staring that intently sir I’m going to think that you want to join in.” You shook your head no. “You will, give it time. Soon I’ll become the only thing that you can think about.” With that the troll chuckled and vanished.

The following morning you woke up alone in your bed. You happily got up, freed from what had been dogging you for the past week. You walked through your small living room into your even smaller kitchen. You made yourself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the counter. Equius was sitting in the living room. He looked like a man who was waiting for the inevitable. He sat relaxed in the chair opposite the kitchen with his arms loosely folded in his lap and his legs splayed open for all of the earth to see.

“Did you think that it was going to be that easy? Did you think that I would let you forget sir?” He unfolded his arms and laid them on the arm rests. “You can feel it, but you are not ready to admit it just yet.” He pointed down to his unfurled bulge. “When are you going to stop running from your own desires and realize that you want to fellate me?”

The next morning it was the same shit different day. You woke up and saw Equius straddling you. 

“Sir, we have known each other for a reasonable amount of time. During which I have observed several consistencies of yours. Everything has to fit into a box made up of your rules and preconceptions. Be it your group of friends, your casual acquaintances, me, the world, and especially yourself. You are so set on how things should be that you miss how things really are. You cannot understand who you truly are and therefore I had to show up. Break free of those restrictions holding you back. I have faith in you sir.” Equius smiled down at you before leaning over, his lips just brushed the shell of your ear as he whispered. “Give in. You know that you want this John.” Equius sat upright. “You are hard from hearing your name. Your body is honest; we will have to see if you can be.”

“Who are you, really?” you asked.

“John, I am your lust. And before I leave, you will find it necessary to take care of your situation,” he pointed down to the lump in the blankets. “If it is hard for too long it will cause you difficulties. Trust me sir, you have a lot of built up tension.”

Friday night you came home from a long day of shelving. You stripped down to your boxers in your room, tossed your dust covered clothes in a pile, and walked into the bathroom. Equius was in the middle of washing his hair in the shower. He paused and looked over his shoulder.

“Would you care to join me sir?” You promptly walked out of the bathroom and shut the door. You strolled into the kitchen, made a beeline to the fridge, took out a beer, cracked it open and started drinking. You did not have a single sober moment that weekend.

During the days you managed to keep Equius shoved back into the farthest recesses of your mind. You were a consummate professional, most of the time. You couldn’t let your prankster gambit get too low, but you still maintained a good working relationship with your fellow work study students and professors. You loved your job enough continue it over the summer. The last thing that you wanted was for your personal problems to leak into your semi-professional life. For the first week you had succeeded. The moaning had disrupted your sleep, but that could be dealt with a suitable application of coffee and red bull. However, two weeks of sleep wracked with fitful dreams and hallucinations were taking their toll. Equius had started to show up at the college. It was only there that you had to stay sober, so it was there that he followed you to. At the onset of the second week Equius began to randomly appear, naked. First he was on the sidewalks crisscrossing campus, and then he was mixed in the crowds walking down the hallways.

By the middle of the week his presence was constant. Equius had stretched his naked self out on the couch in the break room. You sat in the opposite chair and stewed at the futility of your existence. The day before you had reached your end. You caught yourself flirting with the idea of finding the flesh and bone version of Equius and using him as an outlet for your pent up frustration. That was not an option. Right after that idea wormed its way into your fevered mind you did something that you swore to yourself that you would never do. You paid for sex, well that was the intention. That night you had roamed around the streets until you found the lady that worked on a corner that always called you cutie pie whenever you passed by and took her to a hotel. You were planning on paying for sex, but it never happened. You couldn’t get it up. It wasn’t for lack of trying. She tried stroking you, sucking you off, but nothing would happen. She left you in the room with your money and a parting remark that it happens to everyone at some point. It was the look that she gave you as she refused your money that was the final nail in the coffin. Your stewing was abruptly interrupted by your professor tapping you on the shoulder.

“John, I know that you have an incredibly strong work ethic. But you look like you are about to fall over from exhaustion. Mike just came back from his vacation so we’ll have plenty of help around here. Go home for a couple of days and get yourself some much needed rest. Summer break is supposed to be a time for relaxation. There isn’t a need for you to burn yourself out.”  
And that’s why your ass is getting well acquainted with the curb. You hear a faint buzzing noise. Great, now your audible hallucinations are not limited to Equius’s voice. You’re swept off into the whirlpool of snippets of conversations with him, the best hits compellation that showcases his rich baritone and perfect enunciation and are forcibly yanked out by the same damn buzzing noise which is coming from your right pants pocket. It takes you a few moments to realize that your phone is still a thing.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 23:15 --

TG: egbert

TG: egbert

TG: bro save me

TG: i am drowning in a sea hipster zombies that not even my sickest beats can revive

TG: it’s a zombie apocalypse but on a much smaller scale

TG: it’s in the world’s smallest sorority

TG: the house is tiny

TG: miniscule

EB: would that make it an endemic since its limited to one location? 

TG: the chosen one has arrived

TG: hallelujah 

TG: my personal lord and savior from boredom

TG: help me Obi wan egderp, you’re my only hope

EB: you had me at star wars quote, but lost me at egderp.

EB: so close yet so far young padawan.

TG: i am a knight dammit

EG: sure you are.

TG: a pack has gathered

TG: they’re looking at me with fleeting glances behind thick black plastic non-prescription glasses

TG: one has broken away

TG: the hipster zombie is coming for me

TG: tell my bro that he has to fight dirk for my shit

TG: i want to be buried with a bottle of aj, and not that cheap shit

EB: it can’t be that bad.

TG: do you want me to tell you what songs they requested?

EB: tell me the address.

TG: i will write sonnets of my bro-love for you, iambic pentameter and all

TG: shakespeare will weep in his grave at the beauty of our bromance

EB: dave i need the address. 

He gives you the address and asks you to bring aj and red bull. Thankfully there’s a minimart on the way to the sorority. You pick up Dave’s aj, red bull, and another pack of cigarettes. You smoke two on the way to the party. 

It’s not nearly as dead as Dave describe it, but it’s a far cry from what he’s used to. You meander through a few loose clusters of people and head to the source of the music. Dave’s so excited at your arrival he nearly makes a facial expression in public. 

“You are a god among men,” he says as you hand him the bag.

“It’s not that dead in here.” He gives you a look.

“I almost asked you to cook up a vaccine but then I remembered the ambrosia cures all,” he lovingly strokes the aj bottle before cracking it open.

“Dave, I think you have a problem.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “I have a problem? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately John? These guys are acting like zombies, you look like one. When was the last time that you slept? And passing out doesn’t count.”

“Last night.” Both eyebrows go up. “Two weeks ago,” you mutter. 

“Peas and rice John. Fuck my aj addiction, you have a problem.” 

“I know.” You sigh. “I’m going to go grab a beer.” You turn and there he is. “Equius,”you murmur. He’s fully clothed. You don’t know if you’re more relieved or disappointed.

“Oh, he did show up.” You jerk and catch yourself before you say ‘you see him too?’ “Nepeta said she might swing by with him.” 

“Ah,” you squeak out. You’re not hallucinating this time. This Equius is real and he is here. You can’t help but stare and reacquaint yourself with the real deal. Equius Zahhak in the flesh. Equius Zahhak in the incredibly well sculpted flesh. He’s a living sculpture of a troll Greek god. That made no sense but you don’t care. You have a problem and you’re going to do something about it even if Dirk kills you dead. The thought of Dirk the Terminator turning you into a fine bloody mist puts a damper on the plan fomenting in your barely function brain. You must find out if Dirk will kill you before you make a move and you have the perfect source of information right next to you. 

“Hey Dave do you know if Dirk and Equius are dating?” Smooth John, smooth like the chunky peanut butter that will kill you one day. 

“Equius? No, Dirk is fucking Horuss,” Dave replies. The sky opens up and choirs of angels descend in all their radiant glory singing hymns of praise. Wait a second.

“But isn’t Horuss dating Rufioh? They’ve been going out since the dawn of time.” Dave sighs to the point you worry about him collapsing his lungs.

“No, Rufioh and Horuss broke up around the same time Dirk and Jake broke up. Then there were rumors that Jake and Rufioh were dating, so for some reason Dirk and Horuss started revenge fucking because revenge fucking is such a healthy well-adjusted resort to your ex sleeping with someone else’s ex.”

“That’s not confusing at all.”

“I know, welcome to my life,” he huffs. “But, surprisingly enough Horuss’s and Dirk’s relationship seems to be working out better than either of their previous relationships put together. So it looks like two wrongs do make a right in this instance.” It hits you like your dad’s favorite safe as Dave rambles on. 

You heard Dirk and Horuss having sex. Not him and Equius.

You know what Horuss’s pants and moans sound like, but not Equius’s. 

You want to know.

You need to know.

“Dave I’ll be right back. I have to go do something.” You make a beeline over to where Equius is looming like a lone mountain in need of a range. “Hey Equius, can I talk to you in private?” It’s a good thing the can he’s holding is mostly empty because it crumples into a metallic raisin. He stares at you for a moment before it registers that he’s holding onto a mangled can. He fiddles with it before stashing it in a pocket of his cargo shorts. Equius wipes his hand offs on a grease stained towel from a different pocket before composing himself.  
“Yes, I would be amenable to talking with you in,” he clears his throat, “private.”

“You would? You would. Great.” He’s staring at you. This isn’t awkward at all. “Let’s go somewhere … else.” You end up dragging him through the entire first floor before heading down to the cellar. It’s dimly lit, damp, but free from drunk college students which is the important part. You have him alone. Now what?

“You’re looking well.” Great start. 

“My health status has been satisfactory as of late.” He pauses looking you over. “Have you been suffering from an illness John?”

“Why? Why do you ask?” you chuckle nervously. At least all of your blood is going to your ears and not your dick.

“You seem flushed.” 

“Do I?” 

He sniffs the air and whispers a tiny ‘oh.’ You watch the equivalent of a troll Adam’s apple bob as a dark blue flush spreads across his face. He takes off his sunglasses. He’s breathing just as heavily as you are. “Order me,” he says it just above a whisper. He’s trembling. “If you feel the same, order me. Please.” 

You don’t think. You act. “Equius come here.” He closes the distance between you two in three strides. You put your right hand on the back of his neck and gently guide his head down so your lips meet. His lips are dry and chapped but so are yours and it is wonderful. You kiss slowly at first, tentative that you might break what you have between you, that you might wake up to find you were only hallucinating yet again. Hands are an awkward thing; you don’t know what to do with them. His lightly rest on your hips. You settle your left on his hip. He moans softly as you suck on his lower lip. 

The dam bursts and three weeks of frustration pour out. You pull him closer to you so your flush against each other and he tightens his grip. He’s a few degrees colder than you but you feel like you’re on fire. He parts his lips as you wind your fingers into his hair and chase him where he wants you to go. The two of you end up against a wall grinding together as if you want to get through each other’s clothing through diffusion instead of just ripping them off. You palm his unsheathed bulge through the rough fabric of his shorts and listen to the sounds he makes.  
“Equius.” He watches you glance down to his waistband and then back up. He nods. You unbutton and unzip his shorts before moving onto your own pants. Both of you watch his slick bulge curls around your erection. Higher function leaves your brain for a while as you simply feel. You dig your blunt nails into shoulders and moan his name as you come. He follows soon after with your name on his lips. The two of you are left panting messes slouched against a cold damp wall in a cellar. Equius gives you a towel to clean up the substantial amount of blue on your lower stomach. You clean up as best you can and hand it back to him. It’s his own jizz. It shouldn’t be that weird. 

He takes it. “I. I should get back to Nepeta. I do not want her to worry about me unnecessarily.” 

“Yeah. I should get back to Dave. See if he needs anything.”

You watch him leave. After a few moments later you walk out of the cellar and look for Dave. You find him sitting on the porch taking a smoke break. 

“About damn fucking time,” he says.

“I wasn’t gone that long was I?” You sit down beside him on top of the stairs. 

“Not what I was talking about.” He holds out a twenty with the biggest shit eating grin. “It’s for a new bike tire.” 

“What?” 

“I put a hole in your tire, only makes sense that I should pay for a new one.” It takes you a few moments to put the pieces together that shouldn’t fit. The tire, the phone call, the garage, even the party… 

“This was all…”

“An elaborate well thought out plot to get you and Equius past the wistful glances stage.” 

“I don’t look at Equius wistfully.”

“Dude. You and he might have claimed to be bros since you were freshmen but you sure as fuck didn’t look at each other like you were. When Karkat and I found out from Nepeta that it was mutual we decided to get the ‘Get John’s Bunny into Equius’s Box’ plan in action. The rest of the pieces just happened to fit into place. Equius overhearing you furiously masturbating when he went to your apartment to give you back the hoodie he found lying outside of his garage was a bonus. Of course the fact that he over -heard you call his name couldn’t have hurt either.”

“Oh my god,” you groan and rest your head in the palms of your hands. You look up. “Did you really name the plan that?” 

“I blame copious amounts of alcohol, aj, and red bull. You should too.” He pats you on the shoulder. It doesn’t help. You hear a buzzing from your pants pocket and take out your phone. It’s Equius.

“He asked me out on a date.”

“Do you like him?”

“Yeah.” 

“Then that’s all that should matter.” 

You text him back. Saturday at six will be just fine.


End file.
